The 1999 New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman identified love maps as the first principle and indeed the very foundation of strong marriages. Gottman defined love maps as “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.”
But it’s not just data. Sure, a good love map includes knowing what your partner likes to eat for lunch, what music they enjoy, what their favorite color is, what movies were their favorites, and all that sort of thing.
But more than this, it means really “getting” how your partner feels about things. What are your partner’s most cherished hopes and dreams? What are they looking forward to in life? What makes them truly happy? What lights them up – or brings them down?
How does your partner feel lately about their boss or their job? Who’s their favorite friend? Whom do they trust, and why? Whom do they look up to? How do they comfort themselves?
Love maps are about knowing your partner in a deep and meaningful way, and in such a way that your partner feels deeply known. (And hopefully you feel the same way.)
Updating Our Maps
Love maps are not static. If you keep a 1995 Rand-McNally road map in the glove compartment of your car, it may be of some use because many topographical elements and highway routes are the same as they were. But some of them will have changed. That’s why Google puts a ton of resources into continually updating Google Maps. Likewise, to keep your relationship current, you need to stay in touch with what’s changing in your partner’s world.
When we’re in the courtship phase of a new relationship, we’re naturally curious about our partner and we ask all kinds of questions. Where do they come from? What is their family like? What artists and writers do they like? What are their political and spiritual values? Etc. But if we’ve been cohabitating a while, especially if kids enter the picture, there’s a hazard of going on automatic pilot. For example, when you’re overwhelmed with caring for a baby, you may feel too exhausted even to check in with your own feelings, let alone your partner’s.
Babies and kids change rapidly. When they’re very small, they’re not even the same little person from week to week. We see that. We remark on that. We say, “Wow, isn’t that amazing!” But what we might miss is that our partners our changing too, though perhaps more subtly. Our partner may even feel differently about being a parent than they did a few weeks or months or years ago. It’s worth investigating. Ask your partner, “Hey, how are you feeling right now? How you holding up with all this ack of sleep? Are you okay about not having more time to yourself?”
It may be hard to imagine right now, but at some point, your children will be gone and it will be just the two of you again. What will you have left then? Will you look at your partner and see a virtual stranger? Or will you feel so deeply connected that you hit the ground running together when the nest is empty?
Also, it’s good role modeling to stay well connected with your partner while your kids still live at home. As a parent, you may not have the bandwidth to prioritize your connection with your partner like you did when you were dating, but there are plenty of ways to keep that flame of communion lit. Maybe you can’t have a designated date night every week (at least for the time being) but Gottman suggests maintaining “rituals of connection,” meaning simple things, like how you enjoy being greeted when you come home from work, or how you celebrate birthdays, or just making a habit of checking in at certain points of the day.
At the very least, at some point in the day, have a little conversation. “Tell me about your day. How ARE you?” Just connect a little while with each other, keeping cell phones and Netflix and the internet out of sight. Even 20 minutes of this simple connection can rejuvenate and refresh your love maps.
Letting Our Partners Change
Sometimes we like to hold our partners in a certain light, even though they have changed. This can be corrosive to a loving connection. We need to allow each other space to become different over time (Change is inevitable anyway.)
It can feel threatening to see our partner change, even in a positive way, because … what will it mean for the relationship? “If my partner is changing so much, will she still love me? Will she still want to be married to me? If she’s spending time with a new friend, making new discoveries, having new self-insights, or finding new interests, will I remain just as interesting to her?”
Fears and doubts are natural. From time to time, they will arise. We don’t have to berate ourselves for feeling insecure.
But keeping in touch with each other’s changes, staying involved with each other’s worlds of feeling, habitually listening well to each other … these love mapping activities bring a life of their own. They deliver fresh vitality to relationships over and over again, on a continual basis.
When your relationship is rooted in a deep knowing of each other that is constantly renewed, the magnetic “field” (so to speak) between you just grows stronger as the years pass.
Listen Listen Listen
The more we listen, the deeper our connection grows. Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking our partner needs us to fix their problems. Then we’re quick to offer solutions that our partner isn’t actually asking for.
The trick with listening is simply to be present – present with the story, present with the feelings, present with any discomfort or vulnerability that arises — without trying reflexively to change anything. And we might show we are listening by reflecting back what we’ve heard.
Listen like a best friend. Let your partner know you’re on their side, that you see the situation from their perspective and feel what they’re feeling about it. Affirm that you believe in them, and that you guys are a team!
More than problem solving, what we mostly need from our partners is witnessing and acceptance and understanding. In other words … love mapping.
In the end, it’s really not so hard. After all, you did it when you were courting. You can do it again. It really only takes a small amount of effort to keep your love maps alive.
